As a child I grew up in an abusive home. Unlike “traditional” abusive homes (I use quotes because it's not something that should ever be considered a norm) it was my mother that was the abuser and my father was the victim in most cases (though my brother and I did receive our share of the punishment). My mother was heavily alcoholic and abused the substance in her everyday life. After my father died when I was eleven the abuse moved on to me, bypassing my older brother who was more like my mother while I was more similar to our father. After a year of heavy abuse (including an incident with a knife that resulted in a nasty scar the size of a tube of lipstick on my knee that I still have today) my mother killed herself in a drunken tirade.

It's been ten years since my mother's passing and I've managed to get my life on track. I'm a senior at a University. I have a great job. I have an amazing support system. Friends. A dog and a cat. A home I'm proud of. And I can even look into the mirror on most days and think that I'm beautiful. It's like a whole new world and a whole new life from the one I lived as a child. But... I worry sometimes that I'm not going to be able to escape it forever.

Sometimes I'm afraid I'm going to become my mother.

My brother is in prison right now. He's a substance abuser. Hasn't kept a job or a driver's license for more than six months in his life. He has a temper and flies off the handle at the smallest things. I've seen him kick his own dog. Now.... I love my brother, that's not the issue. He's one of the best friends I've ever had. It's just that I'm worried his actions are making me naïve. I tell myself that he's like our mother and I'm like our father. I don't have much of a temper to speak of. Though I do drink socially, I never lose control of my alcohol. I have an incredible work ethic—if I do say so myself. And, I'm a very caring person.

But, I do lose control from time to time. That is... I do have a temper. Though it's very rare that I ever even come close to angry, when I'm there I've frightened myself. I tend to yell (and I mean long yelling tangents sometimes...) at my dog when she spills the trash. Or, sometimes I'll storm out of the house when my friends are teasing me. I slam doors. I kick things sometimes. So... what kind of mother am I going to become? I want to be a parent. I want children. And now that I'm older what happens when I find the man I want these things with?

What if I end up like her?

I am of the firm belief that some women simply shouldn't have children. My mother shouldn't have. Since I am her daughter does that mean I shouldn't either? How will I know before it's too late? I don't think I could ever forgive myself if I ever caught myself hitting my child. And how do I tell my future husband that I'm afraid to give him a child because I'm scared that it won't be safe with me as a parent?

Also on the issue of my mother... I have a friend that isn't fond of her, even in memory. She refers to her as “the b****” in conversation. She's been known to say that she “hates the woman.” Things like that. Now this is my very closest friend in the whole world. And no... she's never met my mother. Sadistic as it is I take no issue with her making comments about my mother. As a matter of a fact it brings me comfort because I know that my friend feels secure enough in our friendship to speak freely around me. I know she only says these things because she loves me and wishes she could have protected me from it. The problem is that I'm not ready for a lot of my friends (and other people I socialize with like coworkers and classmates) to know what kind of home I grew up in. People treat you differently when they know your mother beat you up all the time as a child.

I'm not sure how to handle this... uh... problem?

Well... I guess that's enough.

I guess I'm not the average adult...

Nor was I the average teen. Nor, the average 5th grader. I'd read at least six of these before I even started middle school.


The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed.
1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE. (no underline that I could find on blogspot, so I b/i these)
4) Reprint this list in your own blog so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them.


1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee (One of my favorite books ever).
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger (In the top five of my favorite books)
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald (Also in the top five.)
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy (I've actually only read half of it.)
25 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck (Half again)
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy (Half...)
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis (First two books...)
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden (Another amazing novel.)
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley (Don't know why I loved it so much... I did though.)
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

If I've counted correctly that means that I have read 47 of these books. That's not bad I guess. I was really happy to see Time Traveler's Wife on the list. I loved, looks like 4 or 5. And, I intend to read all of them at some point or another in my life. :-D

This was fun.

My Quiz from QuizYourFriends.com

I made a quizzy thing about me.
I thought I'd post it for fun!

Linkity

Let's see how you do!

I think I've lost focus...

"You're Beautiful"
My life is brilliant.
My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment
that will last till the end.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful,
it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful,
it's true.
There must be an angel
with a smile on her face,
When she thought up
that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.
-James Blunt


Music has an effect on people that I've never seen before. Different songs have different effects on people, the combinations are more endless than the number of stars in the sky. The many elements of music all lend to this phenomenon. There's the music itself, the very patterns, beats, rhythms, melodies. How each part meshes together. Guitar, drums, piano, vocals, accordion, saxophone, flute, spoons, each note lends to the bigger picture and the entire feel of the song. And there's the lyrics, not exactly the same as the vocals, which paint an even more vivid picture.

And then there's taste, which will always vary. It's as unique as each person who possesses it. I myself prefer slow, melodic, music with matching vocals and eloquent lyrics. A dear friend of mine likes rough, coarse, metallic music, with high pitched vocals. My brother likes synthetic rhythmic music with little vocal or lyrical interference. Does that mean that I'm making bad choices or that my brother is? Absolutely not. Each of us likes our music for what it gives us, for the effect it has.

I presume my friend prefers hers because it makes her feel numbed. Because it overpowers her emotions, her thoughts, and lets he get lost in the rhythm and the very essence of what it is. Some people, like my brother, like the total inebriation that can come with a night out. When all the senses become jumbled and mixed, and they need music to stimulate them. It's like... their only way of sending information to their brains. At least, that's how it is for him. And I like it because I feel like it's a fuel for emotion. The music I listen to makes my every emotion raw, makes them peak with sensitivity and feel so much more real.

Sometimes music tends to have another effect though, one that we wouldn't imagine it would. A few months ago when I'd finally decided to officially end it, completely, with Alex he played me the song I pasted above. It gave me a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach, even then. Well, now like seven months later I heard it out of the blue while I was at work and was overcome with thoughts, emotions, and had to excuse myself for a minute. I think I was actually crying over it. I never knew that any piece of music could have such a profound effect. I always knew it was powerful, but like that?

Then that reminded me of a lot of things... feeling that way again. Jodie prompted me to post a piece of poetry on my fiction press account which also reminded me of things. I was in a very low point as a teen, lower than I ever wanted to believe. I don't want to go back there... but I guess it feels like things keep trying to pull me back down. Fan fiction, music, fate, it's all drawing me downward. Jodie inadvertently reminded me how far I've come, which scared me. Now I feel like I'm falling again... do I take the raw realization as a sign that I should fight to climb back up? Or is it supposed to torture me even more on the way down?

I've got two things weighing heavily on my mind. One's heartache and the other's another kind of ache, one I can't name. Who knew that I really loved him? I've never let myself love anyone before. Is that the other ache? The way I lock things in and never open back up?

Damn... this is nonsensical and depressing.
-LLK

Am I still what I am?

I'm deleting my livejournal post by post so I can turn it into a fanfiction journal. This post, however, struck me and I thought I'd repost it here. I believe it was written about two years ago. Just thought I'd share.

Do you guys think I've changed much since then? What do you think of this as a portreyal of me?

---

I am a musician (in my soul). I can't play any instruments. I've composed several songs for piano, some of which are decent. Music is my life. I have a hole in my heart where the ability to play the flute, cello, guitar and piano would be if I'd ever had the chance to learn. I don't like conventional music. I think rap is a waste of time. I don't like any music without good vocals or skilled musicians. It's just not good enough for me without. My favorite band is from 30 years ago, and my favorite singer from 40. I like Idina Menzel despite her musical flaws, which are plenty, because it makes her real. More like me. I would sell a kidney to learn and instrument. I don't listen to music that often, because I have no headphones and I don't like to bother people with my eccentric tastes. When I am listening to music, I'm in my own world, and I like it. I listen to songs that fit my mood, and sometimes they fit so well I cry.

I am a writer. I am a poet. I love creating worlds and stories, places anew. I have a thousand characters in my head, and a million scenarios for them. I want to be taught in an english class someday. (as the classic literary author). I am envious of Mary Shelly. I wish I could write just like Gregory Maguire. I want Gregory Maguire to read my stories someday. I talk like I write. Including saying things like "anew" and "indeed" or even "aye." People don't understand things I write. Sometimes they don't understand how I talk. My friends have been know to say "you're so freaking weird" because of the way I talk.

I am a yankee. I say "dowg" and "wouder" I like it. I am not innocent. But I am by far not a devil. I have never smoked pot, or done any other drugs. I don't eat eggs. I feel guilty when I eat meat.

I am Christian. I love God and Jesus. I believe in divinity and of the holy trinity. I pray every night. I pray during the day. I pray for things all the time. I know god listens. I don't understand how people can go through life not believing in god. I don't judge those who don't. I believe marriage is a sanctuary that any person should be allowed to indulge in. I believe that everyone should be allowed to love. I believe everyone has a soul mate. I believe I don't.
I love animals. I prefer their company to the company of people, in almost all cases. I like to be alone. I don't like clingy people.

I have been spurned by love enough times not to hold my breath for a knight in shining armor.
I watched both of my parents die. I am afraid of blood. I don't like guns. I don't like violence. I cower away from gory movies, and I can't stand seeing anyone in pain. No matter what kind of pain.

I love New York. I have always wanted to go to London. I speak Spanish decently. I want to speak French. I travel. I never want to come home. I want to go to LA, to Chicago, to Egypt, to Ireland, and I'd like to visit Boston again. I wish I had someone to travel with. I want to meet Idina Menzel.

I've never had a boyfriend, that wasn't pity. Nobody has ever called me beautiful and meant it. Nobody has ever called me beautiful period. I have only ever kissed 3 boys. Both were from people who only wanted sex. Nobody has ever had a crush on me. Nobody likes my smile.
I would give anything to make my friends happy. One of my best friends is 5 years younger than me. I don't care. The only time I ever have a chance to really talk to someone, is online. I wish for more wishes.

I love nature. I hate suburbia. Yet I love the city. I like that it's easy to get lost in the city. And in the forest. I skip class, alot. I want to leave the country. For good.
I am afraid of dying alone. I will. I want love. I will never have it. I am an adult, but nobody treats me as one.

I love.
I hurt.
I feel.
I cry.
I am.
I don't want to be.

"I'm just a girl..."

"... standing in front of a boy; asking him to love her."

Trying to talk to celebrities...

I was reading about this girl who has written hundreds of fan letters to celebrities over the years of her life and has never once recieved a response. That was odd to me...

There have been many, many, many celebrities that I have respected and even mildly worshiped over the years but I very rarely ever take the time to pen down any sort of letter to them. Oddly enough, however, the few times I have actually written to celebrities I have received responses. Granted my idea of celebrity may not be the same as everyone else's. In my years I've often been more drawn to novelists and authors much more than musicians, movie, or television stars.

The point is, however, that I have received responses.

Once I think was because I wrote to Tracie Thoms (yes, I wrote in regard to a movie I enjoyed) with a very specific question in mind. I didn't drool on about how sexy she was or how much I loved her voice. Of course I did compliment both her singing and acting (everyone loves compliments) but in an adult fashion. The majority of the letter, however, was centered around a question that had come up on GM. Essentially it was “were characters a. and b. having sex?” but it was more than that. I posed the question, the reason why we'd been debating about the answer, both sides of the story, my personal opinion and reasons for it, and finally I requested that she tell me her thoughts on the subject.

My two page letter was answered less than a week later by a very detailed, equally long, response. She and and her costars had discussed the same question at length and she gave me their answers. Essentially the cast was as divided on the subject as my friends and I had been. She said, however, that she'd always been of a mindset about it that was very similar to mine and that she hoped we (my friends and I) all would be satisfied by just “not knowing.” She said she felt that gave something to artistic license. I can't say I disagree.

I've written to her since and she has, on multiple occasions, said that my letters stand out to her and she always appreciates seeing them. She said there's a merit in a grammatically sound, well thought out, fan letter and she'll always encourage fans to write more of the like. (To herself an other celebrities.) That was only the first time that particular celebrity responded to me. Since, she has responded to other letters, always noting that she hasn't forgotten the first one to this day. It's amazing to me, still to this day, that I've been so fortunate. I haven't the slightest idea why I was so memorable but it's an honor.


There have been others, of course, though only a few. Gregory Maguire and Cassie Steele (though that was uh... unintentional correspondence).

Anthony Rapp never did respond to me. I wrote him a long letter asking about AIDS charities and contact info for Friends Indeed so that I could make a donation during the Christmas holidays. For someone who claimed to be as charity-centered as he said, he never did respond.

But, honestly, of the four (five if you count Steele) celebrities I've contacted in my short life the fact that four have responded isn't bad at all. One of which, has responded several times. Only having one choose not to respond to me isn't that bad. Granted I am pretty choosy about who I write to (I've had contact info for George Eads for several months now and haven't written anything yet) and maybe that has something to do with it. But, it's nice to know that from time to time my words don't go unnoticed.

Enough of me bragging about talking to celebrities. It was just something I thought of and figured why not blog about it. It keeps my post count up!

My idea of the ultimate love story...

So I know I already posted today but I guess I just felt like talking about this too. I've been sitting here today flipping through a novel I've read several times and I can't get over how much I just, love it.

The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

I remember the first time I ever read through it I couldn't wait to get on livejournal and blog about it. It was one of the only things I even thought about blogging those days, but I felt like everyone should read it. The second time through, I became passionately entranced. The third time reading it I became obsessed with the film version (which has yet to be released) and sought out every detail of information on it I could find.

This last time I read it was innocent enough, or started that way. I, having felt discouraged by the challenge at the FCG, felt like I should start sooner rather than later so that I may end up finishing something for it. I searched and searched for motivation and then while on GM reading an old post I made I saw my signature picture and it hit me. There was no story so beautiful, no love so perfect, no tale so deserving of another look than this one and I knew what I wanted to write.

I finished my piece in record time. It may not be the best I've ever written but it was the one I can doubtlessly say that I've had the most inspiration for. Once I'd finished writing though I still felt drawn to the novel, as though there was something left for me to get out of it for the evening. There was still something left that I hadn't experienced yet, a splash of magic from the novel I hadn't truly encountered this time.

I sat back, flipped it open to a random page, and began reading. Not an hour later I had to close the book, sob, and then regain a sense of what I'd just read. Now I am a crier in some cases but generally I don't take to open sobbing at a book I've already read. I started on the page where Clare decides she wants a child and asks Henry to make a baby. I stopped when Alba was born.

Great, right? They had a baby. It's not that simple though. Because Henry's condition is a genetic disease it effected all of their children. Alba was their last chance. Six miscarriages, a vasectomy, and the very real possibility of Clare's death later she was born, and to them worth every second of their struggle for a child. But to read, watch, as each and every one of those babies were lost has always been one of the most profound things I've ever encountered in literature. The way they were described as laying in their mother's hands, gasping for breath. How helpless Clare or Henry felt to protect their children. How they had to watch them die...

The book is not dark though and that's perhaps the absolutely most beautiful thing about it. It's the story of two people. It' s a life story. It's also a romance though, a powerful love tale, a reminder that two people can fall in love. There simply isn't another book out there like this one. It is, and will be forever more, my idea of the ultimate love story. Sacrifice, waiting, longing, love, loss, passion—Henry and Clare share everything.

When the movie comes out and you're all in love with the story I want you, each and every one, to remember that there is a novel and I have loved it for many years.

I never blogged before because I didn't have to. Now, I do because I want to.

I don't blog enough and I'm not exactly sure why. I love writing but I guess it's just talking about me that I'm not so into. How can I find enough interesting about my own life to write about it? The truth is that I struggle to. However sometimes there are issues that really bother me or really make me feel like I should talk about them but... I don't. At least I don't bring them to my blog.

I used to be a blogger. I used to make posts all the time and keep people updated and informed on what I thought was important but that all dissipated a few years ago. I think, however, that I know the source. It was around the time I started going on GM. There are so many people there that I share a closeness with, deep friendships, love even, that I don't have to go elsewhere with my problems. I make a post in Rants and Raves or in General Chinwagging and then I wait; within a few hours someone has responded in a way that seems to put my whole mind at ease.

Be it a Volatile Topic or Influential Moment I know that I can bring it to GM and in the end my every word will be read, considered, and responded to. I love that sense of community. I love being a part of something so beautiful, so strong, so connected.

Why do I have a blog here now though? After three years of being intimately involved with GM why is it that I've finally decided to take my thoughts, feelings, problems, and joys into the real world again? Well I'll have you notice that in three months of being on here I've made a total of three posts (four when I'm done with this one) I still take the majority of my life to GM. It's just that now there are people in my life that I've rediscovered and I want to have that closeness with more people.

I finally figured out that nobody is going to understand me, get me, or even try the way the people at GM do if I don't try. So, that's what I'm doing, I'm trying. I'm trying to make a bigger impression on the people whose lives I'm in. I'm trying to realize that they are not just in MY life but that I am in THEIR lives and if I want them to reach out to me I have to reach a little first.

So yeah. I'm trying.

We'll see how far it goes or even if it's worth it. I like my friends though and I like my life where it is now. There are ups and there are downs; there always are. As far as the interpersonal aspect of my life goes, I couldn't be happier.

I guess the point of this whole post was that for years I've been lost in another world, but I like it there. I don't ever intend to leave. It's just that now... now I intend to broaden my world a bit to include everyone I care about. So yeah... I'm going to try to let more people in.

-LLK

Theology and things.

Why is it that I always find the most inspiration for updating this blasted log after I read Jodie's? I guess because she's just so damn intellectual it just makes me want to be smarter too! Nah, I really don't know what it is. Probably that we both just spend a considerable amount of time thinking about similar things. I'll have to admit that the theological slant her blog took in the last post was interesting to me, at the very least. I'm not saying that she was being all preachy, she wasn't. I'm not saying there was anything at all wrong with it, there wasn't. Just that I spend a lot of time thinking about the subject and my views on it.

I'm not going to comment on the things that Jodie had to say, she's perfectly entitled to her opinion and if I want to comment on it I can always do that in the privacy of instant messenger and not in a public forum, like my blog. So, what is it exactly that I am going to do today? Talk about MY theological viewpoint, that's what.

I've made a few blog posts about the same thing over the years though I'm not sure if anyone has ever grasped what I was trying to say. Yes, I am a religious person. I very outwardly ascribe to the Christian faith. I'm not, however, one of those closed minded peons that doesn't understand or respect other faiths. I believe, more than anything, that people need some sort of faith, whatever it is. I'm not saying that we're all incapable of functioning without, but having a blind devotion to something is healthy, I think. As long as you don't take it too far. Suspending your skepticism is healthy, I guess that's what I was trying to say. So yeah, in order to truly feel and emote, I find religion necessary.

Besides it teaches us all sorts of things. Again, I'm not talking about Christianity, just all faiths. The essential pillars of every predominant religion (and every even less predominant religion I've studied) teach basic kindness and morality. What's so wrong with that? I don't understand why so many religious groups feud and why Christians have to hate Islam and Jews have to hate Catholicism. In the end all the religion is trying to teach us is that we should treat others with love and respect. Honestly what's wrong with that?

As for MY religious standing? Not hard, I believe in God and I like that I do. It's not to say, however, that I haven't questioned the validity of claims that God does exist. I mean, there really isn't any proof. But, I guess it's the way I feel about him and religion that lets me know he's real. The way I feel safe when I turn to him. See? I AM religious. Yes I question the existence of the big man, but in the end I believe. My proof lies in the fact that I feel like the world is such a miracle and all life is. I feel safer believing he's there, but that's not all. Life, life in general. It's so complex and hard to believe that it just poofed into existence without a catalyst.


Maybe I'm wrong? Maybe I'm still being childish and ascribing to the beliefs that my grandmother tried to instill in me. Maybe I haven't developed enough in my moral persona to question the beliefs that my family tried to teach me. Maybe I'm clinging to the Sunday school lessons I used to sit though every week back when my life was still a little normal. Perhaps that's it, and I've often thought this, that the only reason I have such an attachment to my religion is because it was one of the only high points of my life as a small child. Then again, maybe it's something more.

But, in the end, I like my religious beliefs and ascribing to a faith in a higher power. I also really feel like religion is good for people on an individual basis. As I previously stated, I feel like it's good for people to have something to believe in. I think it has a theraputic effect on people and has a way of calming them in intense situations. I dunno, maybe I'm crazy.

And I do try to respect all religions though I struggle with some. I have to admit that there are a few strands of belief that I really just can't get my mind around and though outwardly I try to respect the individual right to his or her own belief, internally I sometimes struggle to respect those beliefs as much as I could. But, I suppose that's a thought for another day. I don't wanna talk myself into losing friends. But that's why I've dedicated so much of my time to studying religion, so I can understand.

In all I'll leave with this: I'm a religious person and I'm proud of it.

On Friendship and Foundation

I spend a lot of time thinking about the relationships that I have in my life and the different dynamics that they each seem to have. Though several are similar, each person in my life shares a unique relationship with me. It's the different groups or clusters, however, that I feel the need to comment on today. I don't have much in my life by way of family, though I have been blessed with many, many, friends.

I've often pondered about that in my life. Why is it that I have so many good friends? Why is it that I have been given the good fortune of meeting so many people who really bring me so much joy? There are so many people I know, my brother especially, who have the frequent misfortune of growing close with the “wrong” sort of people. Moreover, how is it that my brother and I were raised by the same two people and, for the most part, treated exactly the same, but have turned into the two polar opposites that we are? Psychology could explain that, I suppose. But why is it that I have so many people in my life that I feel I could trust with anything, friends I know are in my life simply because they want to be, simply because they like me? While my brother, poor guy, can't make a decent, true, friend to save his life.

I'm not complaining though, I'm lucky and I know it. I often wish that I had more family. I've explained that I really feel alienated in the world. There aren't very many people left with my gene pool in the world, and even fewer that still take the time to talk to me. I sometimes hate being in the top generation, too. Caden, my nephew for any who may not know, is a little luckier than I am, because the family, small as it is, is growing. He's what reminds me that I'm really never going to be completely alone every day. But, I still do feel like my brother and I have been washed out, our identities take from us, and been forced to find our way in a whole, huge, world full of people who have no real connection to us. No blood. No familial link or responsibility. If it weren't for him, and now his son, I'd be completely alone, at least in a way.

But, I do have friends. The network of people in my life that remind me, every day, that you don't have to share the same genes to love one another, really make my life worth living. I joke that my dog is the most important person in my life, but the truth is, there is no single being that could ever take that title, rightfully.

If I had to pick an absolute best friend it would be Brittney, and God knows that I love her. Just last night we were standing in the kitchen laughing about something, I can't remember what it was, some inappropriate joke, I'm sure. But as we were standing there, and I'm laughing my rear off, I just couldn't help but think of how much I truly do love her. She is one of the funniest people I've ever known, and one of the meanest (which makes her funny), but that's not even half of why I adore her so much. There has never been another person that I've known that has cared so much about others. Brittney may be the first to make fun of someone, or to joke at their expense, but she's also always the last one standing by your side when the going gets rough. I honestly can't ever imagine a situation or scenario in my life that she wouldn't be there for me. If I need something, truly need it, she provides it. It's not even a matter of me asking, and I'd do the same for her. I'm just one of the lucky ones that happen to have found a friend like that.

And, of course, there are a whole host of others that have also blessed my life. (Yes I did say blessed.) Amy, though we've had our ups and downs, will always be one of the greatest things to happen to my life. Tony, Jesse, and Eric, my guys, are all wonderful, funny, amazing people that I'm fortunate to spend a lot of time with. They're the friends that I see most often, because they see me as one of the guys, and actually, it's great. I love that I'm absolutely equal in their eyes, none of the would ever judge me or think of me as a lesser person, it's a liberating feeling. Claire is one of the most beautiful people in the world. I don't understand why it is that she likes me so much, but I take great pleasure in the fact that she does. I can't think of anyone who has ever been as kind as her and it just makes me feel good to be around her. Sammy, I love Sammy. She's been one of my best friends for years now. She's smart, funny, and nerdy to boot. And always calls me with the best stories and truth be told I don't think my life would be even half as exciting as it is without her in it. Liz, is just so cool. I pretty much adore her. I don't think I have the right words to describe it, but I'm grateful to have her friendship. I miss her every day and I wish that she was closer to me in proximity.The people at GM, though I'm taking them to the bottom of a paragraph filled with “real” friends are in no way insignificant in my life. As a matter of a fact, they have had such a real and profound effect on my life that it wouldn't be fair to imply that they were just “any other internet friends” I love, all of them, very deeply. Minxy, Helen, Pan, MTO, YTH, Munchkin, and Twyz have entertained me, loved me, hated me, fought with me, stood up for me, laughed with me, and cried with me, all over the course of the last two years of our communal experience on the boards. I couldn't imagine a day without them, nor would I ever want to. It's amazing how profound and and important a group of people from all over the world can truly be to each other, I'm just glad to be a part of it. I love you guys, each and every one of you.

Hanna, Amanda, Jodie, Brandee, Andy, and Niki are all as unique as their names and the way I found their friendships but my life wouldn't be as bright without a single one of them. Hanna is always there to talk, no matter what the issue. If I'm feeling bored, tired, lazy, her conversation always suits. If I'm feeling a little crazy and hyper, she's always the first to go on some long tirade with me about how sexy George Eads is, and he is. Plus, we write some of the most amazing stories together. I love the understanding we have. Amanda, for all she frustrates me, is one of the absolutely coolest people I've ever known. And, for as nerdy as she is, I do truly mean that. There aren't many people in my life that I have as much in common with, or who are so willing to be there for me when I'm at one of my lowest lows. Jodie, well I just got lucky there, enough said. Jodie is one of the few people in the world that I think I could talk to about anything I was feeling that day, and she'd understand it. I hope she realizes just how much that means to me. Just how much that has meant to me over the course of our friendship, it's an amazing blessing to have someone like that in my life. And Brandee, all the ways I adore her, I don't think there's time enough to list them all. Bar none, one of the most amazing people ever. I know I've said that about everyone I've mentioned, but that's because it's really always true. Brandee, however, just has something about her that makes me feel immense awe. I guess it's because she's dedicated, talented, generous, and is equally as crazed as I am. I love that. Andy makes me so angry sometimes I wonder why I'm even friends with him, but then I remember. He is one of the most unique, kind, and exciting people I've ever known. I'm lucky to have him in my life and to be friends with him, and I know it. And Niki, well I don't even know what I did to be so lucky. I've never had a friend so willing to drop everything and help me before and I haven't ever even met her face to face. She's an extraordinary person and a great friend.

Chris, Kurt, and the girls are a different plane of friendship. That's all they are, friends, and I realize that deep down at the most basic level. But, they are a family to me too. Not in the sense that I've been longing for for the last ten years, since I lost my parents, but they still do provide me with enough love around the holidays that I don't feel totally lost. I know that I'll never really let them be the people or family that I want, because I don't want to let go of my past. I struggle so much to remember my mother and father as it is already, so... there's a wall that will always be up. But, they didn't have to be there for me through as much of my life as they have, and I do appreciate it.

So, I am one of the lucky ones, and I know it. I may struggle with my identity from time to time, but in the end I guess it's not roots that I need. It's foundation, and I do have plenty of that.

A Whole New World- Of Blogging..!

Dearest Readers,

I’ve grown wary of livejournal and frankly have little going on in my life these days that I find I have any interest in sharing with my livejournal friends. Either I’ll call them up and tell them in person or I won’t. Plus being that I’m as active in the fanfiction community as I am I frequently worry that people from the net are going to go looking to my livejournal for some of my work and find my more personal blog. I’ve never used blogging as anything but a very personal, private, venue for expressing my thoughts, fears, and joys to myself and a select few friends. However, just like my friendships, I have adapted and evolved a lot in the years since 11th grade when I first started posting on livejournal. To put it simply, it’s time for a change.

This blog won’t be discriminatory as my last was. While in previous years I’ve been adamant that only the friends I know in "real life" would be allowed to view my blogs I’ve changed my opinion on this. The close friends that truly matter to me know that I’m an internet geek be they internet or real friends. It’s my opinion that in this technological age people are going to get to know a number of others on the net as well as in person. I shouldn’t worry what people think of me because I have important people in my life that I have only known on the internet. Friendships are friendships no matter what form they take. So, now I hope that my real life and my internet friends will both take up Blogspot blogging as a pastime and will even co-mingle on my page. If I care about you, well, I want to show you off to the world.

What is it that I think I have to talk about that’s worth posting on the internet? Any number of things. I’m sure that as the year progresses you’re bound to see a lot of my opinions, rants, and raves about the presidential race. I have always been very politically opinionated and that’s not going to change any time soon, I’m sure. Other things I might talk about? My personal life will come up some, I’m sure. While I may not use this in the same fashion I used my livejournal I’m sure that when something is happening in my life that I feel is important, I’m sure I’ll talk about it. Most of the time I’ll probably be talking about books, movies, tv shows, or songs that happen to catch my fancy. Even more often I’m probably going to be talking about songs or other forms of media that happen to have caught my attention and paralleled my current feelings about some issue. We’ll see.

While I do have some things I’d like to talk about this is just the obligatory new blog introductory post so I’ll save all of that for next time. Happy reading all!

-LLK
(Kat.)