As a child I grew up in an abusive home. Unlike “traditional” abusive homes (I use quotes because it's not something that should ever be considered a norm) it was my mother that was the abuser and my father was the victim in most cases (though my brother and I did receive our share of the punishment). My mother was heavily alcoholic and abused the substance in her everyday life. After my father died when I was eleven the abuse moved on to me, bypassing my older brother who was more like my mother while I was more similar to our father. After a year of heavy abuse (including an incident with a knife that resulted in a nasty scar the size of a tube of lipstick on my knee that I still have today) my mother killed herself in a drunken tirade.

It's been ten years since my mother's passing and I've managed to get my life on track. I'm a senior at a University. I have a great job. I have an amazing support system. Friends. A dog and a cat. A home I'm proud of. And I can even look into the mirror on most days and think that I'm beautiful. It's like a whole new world and a whole new life from the one I lived as a child. But... I worry sometimes that I'm not going to be able to escape it forever.

Sometimes I'm afraid I'm going to become my mother.

My brother is in prison right now. He's a substance abuser. Hasn't kept a job or a driver's license for more than six months in his life. He has a temper and flies off the handle at the smallest things. I've seen him kick his own dog. Now.... I love my brother, that's not the issue. He's one of the best friends I've ever had. It's just that I'm worried his actions are making me naïve. I tell myself that he's like our mother and I'm like our father. I don't have much of a temper to speak of. Though I do drink socially, I never lose control of my alcohol. I have an incredible work ethic—if I do say so myself. And, I'm a very caring person.

But, I do lose control from time to time. That is... I do have a temper. Though it's very rare that I ever even come close to angry, when I'm there I've frightened myself. I tend to yell (and I mean long yelling tangents sometimes...) at my dog when she spills the trash. Or, sometimes I'll storm out of the house when my friends are teasing me. I slam doors. I kick things sometimes. So... what kind of mother am I going to become? I want to be a parent. I want children. And now that I'm older what happens when I find the man I want these things with?

What if I end up like her?

I am of the firm belief that some women simply shouldn't have children. My mother shouldn't have. Since I am her daughter does that mean I shouldn't either? How will I know before it's too late? I don't think I could ever forgive myself if I ever caught myself hitting my child. And how do I tell my future husband that I'm afraid to give him a child because I'm scared that it won't be safe with me as a parent?

Also on the issue of my mother... I have a friend that isn't fond of her, even in memory. She refers to her as “the b****” in conversation. She's been known to say that she “hates the woman.” Things like that. Now this is my very closest friend in the whole world. And no... she's never met my mother. Sadistic as it is I take no issue with her making comments about my mother. As a matter of a fact it brings me comfort because I know that my friend feels secure enough in our friendship to speak freely around me. I know she only says these things because she loves me and wishes she could have protected me from it. The problem is that I'm not ready for a lot of my friends (and other people I socialize with like coworkers and classmates) to know what kind of home I grew up in. People treat you differently when they know your mother beat you up all the time as a child.

I'm not sure how to handle this... uh... problem?

Well... I guess that's enough.