Theology and things.

Why is it that I always find the most inspiration for updating this blasted log after I read Jodie's? I guess because she's just so damn intellectual it just makes me want to be smarter too! Nah, I really don't know what it is. Probably that we both just spend a considerable amount of time thinking about similar things. I'll have to admit that the theological slant her blog took in the last post was interesting to me, at the very least. I'm not saying that she was being all preachy, she wasn't. I'm not saying there was anything at all wrong with it, there wasn't. Just that I spend a lot of time thinking about the subject and my views on it.

I'm not going to comment on the things that Jodie had to say, she's perfectly entitled to her opinion and if I want to comment on it I can always do that in the privacy of instant messenger and not in a public forum, like my blog. So, what is it exactly that I am going to do today? Talk about MY theological viewpoint, that's what.

I've made a few blog posts about the same thing over the years though I'm not sure if anyone has ever grasped what I was trying to say. Yes, I am a religious person. I very outwardly ascribe to the Christian faith. I'm not, however, one of those closed minded peons that doesn't understand or respect other faiths. I believe, more than anything, that people need some sort of faith, whatever it is. I'm not saying that we're all incapable of functioning without, but having a blind devotion to something is healthy, I think. As long as you don't take it too far. Suspending your skepticism is healthy, I guess that's what I was trying to say. So yeah, in order to truly feel and emote, I find religion necessary.

Besides it teaches us all sorts of things. Again, I'm not talking about Christianity, just all faiths. The essential pillars of every predominant religion (and every even less predominant religion I've studied) teach basic kindness and morality. What's so wrong with that? I don't understand why so many religious groups feud and why Christians have to hate Islam and Jews have to hate Catholicism. In the end all the religion is trying to teach us is that we should treat others with love and respect. Honestly what's wrong with that?

As for MY religious standing? Not hard, I believe in God and I like that I do. It's not to say, however, that I haven't questioned the validity of claims that God does exist. I mean, there really isn't any proof. But, I guess it's the way I feel about him and religion that lets me know he's real. The way I feel safe when I turn to him. See? I AM religious. Yes I question the existence of the big man, but in the end I believe. My proof lies in the fact that I feel like the world is such a miracle and all life is. I feel safer believing he's there, but that's not all. Life, life in general. It's so complex and hard to believe that it just poofed into existence without a catalyst.


Maybe I'm wrong? Maybe I'm still being childish and ascribing to the beliefs that my grandmother tried to instill in me. Maybe I haven't developed enough in my moral persona to question the beliefs that my family tried to teach me. Maybe I'm clinging to the Sunday school lessons I used to sit though every week back when my life was still a little normal. Perhaps that's it, and I've often thought this, that the only reason I have such an attachment to my religion is because it was one of the only high points of my life as a small child. Then again, maybe it's something more.

But, in the end, I like my religious beliefs and ascribing to a faith in a higher power. I also really feel like religion is good for people on an individual basis. As I previously stated, I feel like it's good for people to have something to believe in. I think it has a theraputic effect on people and has a way of calming them in intense situations. I dunno, maybe I'm crazy.

And I do try to respect all religions though I struggle with some. I have to admit that there are a few strands of belief that I really just can't get my mind around and though outwardly I try to respect the individual right to his or her own belief, internally I sometimes struggle to respect those beliefs as much as I could. But, I suppose that's a thought for another day. I don't wanna talk myself into losing friends. But that's why I've dedicated so much of my time to studying religion, so I can understand.

In all I'll leave with this: I'm a religious person and I'm proud of it.

On Friendship and Foundation

I spend a lot of time thinking about the relationships that I have in my life and the different dynamics that they each seem to have. Though several are similar, each person in my life shares a unique relationship with me. It's the different groups or clusters, however, that I feel the need to comment on today. I don't have much in my life by way of family, though I have been blessed with many, many, friends.

I've often pondered about that in my life. Why is it that I have so many good friends? Why is it that I have been given the good fortune of meeting so many people who really bring me so much joy? There are so many people I know, my brother especially, who have the frequent misfortune of growing close with the “wrong” sort of people. Moreover, how is it that my brother and I were raised by the same two people and, for the most part, treated exactly the same, but have turned into the two polar opposites that we are? Psychology could explain that, I suppose. But why is it that I have so many people in my life that I feel I could trust with anything, friends I know are in my life simply because they want to be, simply because they like me? While my brother, poor guy, can't make a decent, true, friend to save his life.

I'm not complaining though, I'm lucky and I know it. I often wish that I had more family. I've explained that I really feel alienated in the world. There aren't very many people left with my gene pool in the world, and even fewer that still take the time to talk to me. I sometimes hate being in the top generation, too. Caden, my nephew for any who may not know, is a little luckier than I am, because the family, small as it is, is growing. He's what reminds me that I'm really never going to be completely alone every day. But, I still do feel like my brother and I have been washed out, our identities take from us, and been forced to find our way in a whole, huge, world full of people who have no real connection to us. No blood. No familial link or responsibility. If it weren't for him, and now his son, I'd be completely alone, at least in a way.

But, I do have friends. The network of people in my life that remind me, every day, that you don't have to share the same genes to love one another, really make my life worth living. I joke that my dog is the most important person in my life, but the truth is, there is no single being that could ever take that title, rightfully.

If I had to pick an absolute best friend it would be Brittney, and God knows that I love her. Just last night we were standing in the kitchen laughing about something, I can't remember what it was, some inappropriate joke, I'm sure. But as we were standing there, and I'm laughing my rear off, I just couldn't help but think of how much I truly do love her. She is one of the funniest people I've ever known, and one of the meanest (which makes her funny), but that's not even half of why I adore her so much. There has never been another person that I've known that has cared so much about others. Brittney may be the first to make fun of someone, or to joke at their expense, but she's also always the last one standing by your side when the going gets rough. I honestly can't ever imagine a situation or scenario in my life that she wouldn't be there for me. If I need something, truly need it, she provides it. It's not even a matter of me asking, and I'd do the same for her. I'm just one of the lucky ones that happen to have found a friend like that.

And, of course, there are a whole host of others that have also blessed my life. (Yes I did say blessed.) Amy, though we've had our ups and downs, will always be one of the greatest things to happen to my life. Tony, Jesse, and Eric, my guys, are all wonderful, funny, amazing people that I'm fortunate to spend a lot of time with. They're the friends that I see most often, because they see me as one of the guys, and actually, it's great. I love that I'm absolutely equal in their eyes, none of the would ever judge me or think of me as a lesser person, it's a liberating feeling. Claire is one of the most beautiful people in the world. I don't understand why it is that she likes me so much, but I take great pleasure in the fact that she does. I can't think of anyone who has ever been as kind as her and it just makes me feel good to be around her. Sammy, I love Sammy. She's been one of my best friends for years now. She's smart, funny, and nerdy to boot. And always calls me with the best stories and truth be told I don't think my life would be even half as exciting as it is without her in it. Liz, is just so cool. I pretty much adore her. I don't think I have the right words to describe it, but I'm grateful to have her friendship. I miss her every day and I wish that she was closer to me in proximity.The people at GM, though I'm taking them to the bottom of a paragraph filled with “real” friends are in no way insignificant in my life. As a matter of a fact, they have had such a real and profound effect on my life that it wouldn't be fair to imply that they were just “any other internet friends” I love, all of them, very deeply. Minxy, Helen, Pan, MTO, YTH, Munchkin, and Twyz have entertained me, loved me, hated me, fought with me, stood up for me, laughed with me, and cried with me, all over the course of the last two years of our communal experience on the boards. I couldn't imagine a day without them, nor would I ever want to. It's amazing how profound and and important a group of people from all over the world can truly be to each other, I'm just glad to be a part of it. I love you guys, each and every one of you.

Hanna, Amanda, Jodie, Brandee, Andy, and Niki are all as unique as their names and the way I found their friendships but my life wouldn't be as bright without a single one of them. Hanna is always there to talk, no matter what the issue. If I'm feeling bored, tired, lazy, her conversation always suits. If I'm feeling a little crazy and hyper, she's always the first to go on some long tirade with me about how sexy George Eads is, and he is. Plus, we write some of the most amazing stories together. I love the understanding we have. Amanda, for all she frustrates me, is one of the absolutely coolest people I've ever known. And, for as nerdy as she is, I do truly mean that. There aren't many people in my life that I have as much in common with, or who are so willing to be there for me when I'm at one of my lowest lows. Jodie, well I just got lucky there, enough said. Jodie is one of the few people in the world that I think I could talk to about anything I was feeling that day, and she'd understand it. I hope she realizes just how much that means to me. Just how much that has meant to me over the course of our friendship, it's an amazing blessing to have someone like that in my life. And Brandee, all the ways I adore her, I don't think there's time enough to list them all. Bar none, one of the most amazing people ever. I know I've said that about everyone I've mentioned, but that's because it's really always true. Brandee, however, just has something about her that makes me feel immense awe. I guess it's because she's dedicated, talented, generous, and is equally as crazed as I am. I love that. Andy makes me so angry sometimes I wonder why I'm even friends with him, but then I remember. He is one of the most unique, kind, and exciting people I've ever known. I'm lucky to have him in my life and to be friends with him, and I know it. And Niki, well I don't even know what I did to be so lucky. I've never had a friend so willing to drop everything and help me before and I haven't ever even met her face to face. She's an extraordinary person and a great friend.

Chris, Kurt, and the girls are a different plane of friendship. That's all they are, friends, and I realize that deep down at the most basic level. But, they are a family to me too. Not in the sense that I've been longing for for the last ten years, since I lost my parents, but they still do provide me with enough love around the holidays that I don't feel totally lost. I know that I'll never really let them be the people or family that I want, because I don't want to let go of my past. I struggle so much to remember my mother and father as it is already, so... there's a wall that will always be up. But, they didn't have to be there for me through as much of my life as they have, and I do appreciate it.

So, I am one of the lucky ones, and I know it. I may struggle with my identity from time to time, but in the end I guess it's not roots that I need. It's foundation, and I do have plenty of that.