Am I still what I am?

I'm deleting my livejournal post by post so I can turn it into a fanfiction journal. This post, however, struck me and I thought I'd repost it here. I believe it was written about two years ago. Just thought I'd share.

Do you guys think I've changed much since then? What do you think of this as a portreyal of me?

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I am a musician (in my soul). I can't play any instruments. I've composed several songs for piano, some of which are decent. Music is my life. I have a hole in my heart where the ability to play the flute, cello, guitar and piano would be if I'd ever had the chance to learn. I don't like conventional music. I think rap is a waste of time. I don't like any music without good vocals or skilled musicians. It's just not good enough for me without. My favorite band is from 30 years ago, and my favorite singer from 40. I like Idina Menzel despite her musical flaws, which are plenty, because it makes her real. More like me. I would sell a kidney to learn and instrument. I don't listen to music that often, because I have no headphones and I don't like to bother people with my eccentric tastes. When I am listening to music, I'm in my own world, and I like it. I listen to songs that fit my mood, and sometimes they fit so well I cry.

I am a writer. I am a poet. I love creating worlds and stories, places anew. I have a thousand characters in my head, and a million scenarios for them. I want to be taught in an english class someday. (as the classic literary author). I am envious of Mary Shelly. I wish I could write just like Gregory Maguire. I want Gregory Maguire to read my stories someday. I talk like I write. Including saying things like "anew" and "indeed" or even "aye." People don't understand things I write. Sometimes they don't understand how I talk. My friends have been know to say "you're so freaking weird" because of the way I talk.

I am a yankee. I say "dowg" and "wouder" I like it. I am not innocent. But I am by far not a devil. I have never smoked pot, or done any other drugs. I don't eat eggs. I feel guilty when I eat meat.

I am Christian. I love God and Jesus. I believe in divinity and of the holy trinity. I pray every night. I pray during the day. I pray for things all the time. I know god listens. I don't understand how people can go through life not believing in god. I don't judge those who don't. I believe marriage is a sanctuary that any person should be allowed to indulge in. I believe that everyone should be allowed to love. I believe everyone has a soul mate. I believe I don't.
I love animals. I prefer their company to the company of people, in almost all cases. I like to be alone. I don't like clingy people.

I have been spurned by love enough times not to hold my breath for a knight in shining armor.
I watched both of my parents die. I am afraid of blood. I don't like guns. I don't like violence. I cower away from gory movies, and I can't stand seeing anyone in pain. No matter what kind of pain.

I love New York. I have always wanted to go to London. I speak Spanish decently. I want to speak French. I travel. I never want to come home. I want to go to LA, to Chicago, to Egypt, to Ireland, and I'd like to visit Boston again. I wish I had someone to travel with. I want to meet Idina Menzel.

I've never had a boyfriend, that wasn't pity. Nobody has ever called me beautiful and meant it. Nobody has ever called me beautiful period. I have only ever kissed 3 boys. Both were from people who only wanted sex. Nobody has ever had a crush on me. Nobody likes my smile.
I would give anything to make my friends happy. One of my best friends is 5 years younger than me. I don't care. The only time I ever have a chance to really talk to someone, is online. I wish for more wishes.

I love nature. I hate suburbia. Yet I love the city. I like that it's easy to get lost in the city. And in the forest. I skip class, alot. I want to leave the country. For good.
I am afraid of dying alone. I will. I want love. I will never have it. I am an adult, but nobody treats me as one.

I love.
I hurt.
I feel.
I cry.
I am.
I don't want to be.